Chapter Nine
The next morning Mara was right on time, ringing my doorbell at ten am. I had been up since 8 o clock and had managed to shower, have breakfast a bowl of cereal, and a hard boiled egg before dressing in my grey sweats, a t-shirt and my new sneakers.
I answered the door to see Mara with a smirk on her face, holding her duffle bag and a newspaper.
It was today's Daily Record, holding out the paper for me to see, the very front page held a photograph and headline of me, "Jon Bon Jovi, comes out of hiding.
I took the paper from Mara and walked to the kitchen table where I could sit to read it. Mara followed and sat next to me.
There was no story just a caption under the the picture, The Missing Bon Jovi singer appears out of nowhere, right here in New Jersey's county, Welcome back Jon Bon Jovi.
Tossing the paper across the table I sat back into the kitchen chair.
"Does this upset you?" Mara was looking at me concern on her beautiful face,
"No, I thought it would but honestly it doesn't, I think I am finally ready to meet the public again".
Mara placed her hand on my knee, "Well losing that awful beard and cutting your hair, your still as handsome as the day I met you back stage."
Blinking at Mara, I asked her to explain, racking my brains I would have remembered a beauty such as Mara, although she had always been familiar to me now I was to find out why.
"You met with me and my Mom after one of your shows, I hid behind my Mom most of the time. You were very kind to me. We had a great time."
Mara looked at me awaiting my reaction to her confession. Like a light bulb suddenly being switched on the
realisation suddenly registered. Of course, I remembered everything, Mara's eye's were the reason she looked familiar. I was drawn to her eye's like a kid to candy, Her eye's were liquid chocolate which behind them lay the perfect soul mate. One which I never realised, that is; until now.
"OMG, that was you? I never would have guessed and managed to obtain the answer as to how or when I had met you, if you had not said."
" My name was Mara Goodward"
"Yeah I remember, you won the contest during our first headliner, you were..... fourteen years of age, yes?"
"Yeah that's right."
"I should have known the very first time I met you again, you really made an impression on me."
"You had one on me also Jon, I was; still am your biggest fan." Mara looked down as she spoke the last sentence and blushed.
"So you liked me?" Do you still like me?" I was nervous as I asked my question, but given Mara's statement I had to know if it was just an idol liking or if it could possibly be more.
"Yeah Jon I like you, ......more now than I ever did as a kid, .........I like the Jon Bon Jovi I am getting to know."
Mara looked at me as she spoke quietly.
"Really, "I moved my chair closer to Mara, I looked into her eye's and finally let my cold heart melt, the hurt the anger and the guilt began melting away, as we Lent forward together our lips met and we kissed each other passionately our tongues exploring each others mouths, my arms envolving Mara into my embrace.
Feeling the warm of Mara's body in my arms set me on fire, nerves that had not been used for years, the dust was exploding from each one, reigniting my body, reigniting me to the man that I once was. At last I was coming alive.
Saturday 16 March 2013
Friday 15 March 2013
Chapter 8 - Mara
Chapter 8
Mara wasn't coming to train me until tomorrow. I didn't know what to do with myself for a whole day without her. It was only yesterday we took our stroll along the boardwalk, but I was itching to see her again.
My self induced suffering had seemed to take a back seat in my mind when I was with Mara. She was easy going and easy to be with, and she made it easy for me to forget that I had been a recluse for the past seven years.
This morning waking up renewed and refreshed with a new zest for life I decided to fore go my accustomed dismal routine of sulking in my recliner all day, I was gonna go get a new cell phone and a haircut and rid myself of the offensive beard.
Now I was feeling better about myself the unruly and shabby look and to go.
Mom had already made coffee by the time I was out of the shower, and she was in the process of making a veggie omelet when I entered the kitchen. It was apparent by the smile on her face that she was pleased to see me up showered and dressed so early. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as I grabbed a mug to pour my coffee into, I took the opportunity to apologise;
"Mom, I'm really sorry about the other day. You really don't need to stay and be my personal chef. I can fend for myself, I am a grown man."
"Well you haven't been acting like one."
"I deserved that. "I'm sorry."
I poured my coffee and one for my Mom too, and taking two plates from the cupboard I split the omelet she had made into two.
"C'mon Mom, please sit and have breakfast with me today." both of us sitting I carried on,
"Mom, I'll really make an effort this time to move on from what happened. I guess I did let it go on for way to long."
Mom looked at me surprised.
"What's brought this on all of a sudden?."
" I think I realised that my sulking was not gonna change my past. I'm still crippled with guilt but this time I really want to try Mom, move on and make my life better happier and be more positive."
"OK, Son, I will support you and be here for you."
"Mom, that's just it, you really don't need to watch over me 24 hours a day and nurse maid me, honestly, go home and if I do not carry on as I have said you can move back in and whip my ass. Deal?"
"Well if you are sure?"
Mom looked a little sceptical at my sudden transformation, but she agreed just the same.
Breakfast done, we cleared the table, with a clear head I left the house, climbed into my Mustang and headed to town.
First thing I needed to do was find a barber to bring my face back to life by removing the dead hair I had used to hide away for so long.
In days gone by I had only ever had the best stylists toil with my hair, but today I was looking for an old fashioned barber to cut my hair and of course give me a close shave.
Driving through the town I saw the perfect place just off Sparta Avenue, so parking my car I went in.
The barber was pleasant looking, old white haired man who looked like he had just stepped out of a barbers quartet. In fact the whole barbers shop could of housed the barbers quartet finals. Looking about my surroundings it was like I had stepped back into the 1950's. I sat waiting as the old time barbers chair was occupied with a guy having his hair clipped.
The chair I was sat in was a wooden antique, but comfortable it was a calm and relaxing place.
My thoughts were positive thinking about Mara as I awaited my turn.
"What can I do for you?" The pleasant barber joked after seeing his previous client off. "I don't suppose seeing you here before, have I?"
I gave a silent chuckle at the man's speech.
"No, I've never been here before. I haven't been to see anyone about my hair in some time, as you can see." my hand making gestures to my face and hair to exaggerate the fact.
It was the barbers turn to chuckle. "I suppose not. why don't you take a seat over here and I'll lower your ears." Mr.Barber chuckled to himself again. "My names Sam. Whats yours?"
"Jon"
"Do you live round here?"
"Yeah, not far away, just south past the boardwalk, next to the lake."
"Ooh fancy." Sam continued with his pleasantries while he cut my hair and shaved my face. I asked Sam to keep my hair just to shoulder length, layered giving me a fresh look that would not be conservative. Sam abided and cut my hair, just below my neck, and keeping the layers long and front just below my eyebrows. A little shorter than what I had been used too, but when I caught a look of myself in the mirror it was a look that I was comfortable with.
My face was an altogether different matter. I had not seen my face in years. I may have kept up trimming my bears, but I hadn't been clean shaven in a long time. I wasn't expecting to look almost my age. there were small lines jutting out from my eye's that once were hidden by my beard. I couldn't hide the lines that had started to appear around my jaw too. It all stood to reason I guess, that even though time stood still within my walls of my home, my body would start showing the signs of my thirty-eight years.
I thanked Sam for his conventional service and warm conversation and headed out to find myself a new pair of sneakers. I was suddenly in the mood for jogging again, something I had not thought about for years. Mara, was the reasoning I figured.
Down the road, as luck would have it I found a store called Sneakers n Boots. I pulled into the lot and parked. there were so many sneakers on the shelves; I didn't know where to begin. Thinking I said to myself I should of bought Mara with me. My mind had just begun thinking of Mara when my thoughts were interrupted by the sales assistant.
" Excuse me, but are you Jon Bon Jovi?"
The question took me by surprise as it was something I had not heard in a very long time. Bringing my hand to my chin, it was smooth and I realised I no longer had the mask of my beard to hide behind anymore.
Not in the habit of lying about my identity, I responded truthfully.
"Um, yes I am. I'm looking for some sneakers."
I figured by jumping into why I was in the store in the first place, I could ward off any unnecessary questions as to where I had been lately. It worked. The assistant asked me what I was looking for and I told her; I wanted a pair of shoes for running and a pair for working out. She measured my size ten foot, got me two pairs of sneakers that fitted what I intended them for, I had to admit it was completely painless; after paying I was soon on my way.
Now for the not so painless part - actually putting on the sneakers and attempting to break out into a jog.
Not an easy endeavour for a five foot, ten inch, two hundred pound man. But I did it.
I walked for five minutes like Mara had instructed and then stretched my warmed muscles.
After that I jogged until I was breathing hard and heavy, then walked again until my heart rate slowed and repeated the pattern about five times. It was challenging but it was so invigorating.
It felt good moving my body in that way.
I just hoped my positive mood would last, but reasoning with myself one day at a time.
Mara wasn't coming to train me until tomorrow. I didn't know what to do with myself for a whole day without her. It was only yesterday we took our stroll along the boardwalk, but I was itching to see her again.
My self induced suffering had seemed to take a back seat in my mind when I was with Mara. She was easy going and easy to be with, and she made it easy for me to forget that I had been a recluse for the past seven years.
This morning waking up renewed and refreshed with a new zest for life I decided to fore go my accustomed dismal routine of sulking in my recliner all day, I was gonna go get a new cell phone and a haircut and rid myself of the offensive beard.
Now I was feeling better about myself the unruly and shabby look and to go.
Mom had already made coffee by the time I was out of the shower, and she was in the process of making a veggie omelet when I entered the kitchen. It was apparent by the smile on her face that she was pleased to see me up showered and dressed so early. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as I grabbed a mug to pour my coffee into, I took the opportunity to apologise;
"Mom, I'm really sorry about the other day. You really don't need to stay and be my personal chef. I can fend for myself, I am a grown man."
"Well you haven't been acting like one."
"I deserved that. "I'm sorry."
I poured my coffee and one for my Mom too, and taking two plates from the cupboard I split the omelet she had made into two.
"C'mon Mom, please sit and have breakfast with me today." both of us sitting I carried on,
"Mom, I'll really make an effort this time to move on from what happened. I guess I did let it go on for way to long."
Mom looked at me surprised.
"What's brought this on all of a sudden?."
" I think I realised that my sulking was not gonna change my past. I'm still crippled with guilt but this time I really want to try Mom, move on and make my life better happier and be more positive."
"OK, Son, I will support you and be here for you."
"Mom, that's just it, you really don't need to watch over me 24 hours a day and nurse maid me, honestly, go home and if I do not carry on as I have said you can move back in and whip my ass. Deal?"
"Well if you are sure?"
Mom looked a little sceptical at my sudden transformation, but she agreed just the same.
Breakfast done, we cleared the table, with a clear head I left the house, climbed into my Mustang and headed to town.
First thing I needed to do was find a barber to bring my face back to life by removing the dead hair I had used to hide away for so long.
In days gone by I had only ever had the best stylists toil with my hair, but today I was looking for an old fashioned barber to cut my hair and of course give me a close shave.
Driving through the town I saw the perfect place just off Sparta Avenue, so parking my car I went in.
The barber was pleasant looking, old white haired man who looked like he had just stepped out of a barbers quartet. In fact the whole barbers shop could of housed the barbers quartet finals. Looking about my surroundings it was like I had stepped back into the 1950's. I sat waiting as the old time barbers chair was occupied with a guy having his hair clipped.
The chair I was sat in was a wooden antique, but comfortable it was a calm and relaxing place.
My thoughts were positive thinking about Mara as I awaited my turn.
"What can I do for you?" The pleasant barber joked after seeing his previous client off. "I don't suppose seeing you here before, have I?"
I gave a silent chuckle at the man's speech.
"No, I've never been here before. I haven't been to see anyone about my hair in some time, as you can see." my hand making gestures to my face and hair to exaggerate the fact.
It was the barbers turn to chuckle. "I suppose not. why don't you take a seat over here and I'll lower your ears." Mr.Barber chuckled to himself again. "My names Sam. Whats yours?"
"Jon"
"Do you live round here?"
"Yeah, not far away, just south past the boardwalk, next to the lake."
"Ooh fancy." Sam continued with his pleasantries while he cut my hair and shaved my face. I asked Sam to keep my hair just to shoulder length, layered giving me a fresh look that would not be conservative. Sam abided and cut my hair, just below my neck, and keeping the layers long and front just below my eyebrows. A little shorter than what I had been used too, but when I caught a look of myself in the mirror it was a look that I was comfortable with.
My face was an altogether different matter. I had not seen my face in years. I may have kept up trimming my bears, but I hadn't been clean shaven in a long time. I wasn't expecting to look almost my age. there were small lines jutting out from my eye's that once were hidden by my beard. I couldn't hide the lines that had started to appear around my jaw too. It all stood to reason I guess, that even though time stood still within my walls of my home, my body would start showing the signs of my thirty-eight years.
I thanked Sam for his conventional service and warm conversation and headed out to find myself a new pair of sneakers. I was suddenly in the mood for jogging again, something I had not thought about for years. Mara, was the reasoning I figured.
Down the road, as luck would have it I found a store called Sneakers n Boots. I pulled into the lot and parked. there were so many sneakers on the shelves; I didn't know where to begin. Thinking I said to myself I should of bought Mara with me. My mind had just begun thinking of Mara when my thoughts were interrupted by the sales assistant.
" Excuse me, but are you Jon Bon Jovi?"
The question took me by surprise as it was something I had not heard in a very long time. Bringing my hand to my chin, it was smooth and I realised I no longer had the mask of my beard to hide behind anymore.
Not in the habit of lying about my identity, I responded truthfully.
"Um, yes I am. I'm looking for some sneakers."
I figured by jumping into why I was in the store in the first place, I could ward off any unnecessary questions as to where I had been lately. It worked. The assistant asked me what I was looking for and I told her; I wanted a pair of shoes for running and a pair for working out. She measured my size ten foot, got me two pairs of sneakers that fitted what I intended them for, I had to admit it was completely painless; after paying I was soon on my way.
Now for the not so painless part - actually putting on the sneakers and attempting to break out into a jog.
Not an easy endeavour for a five foot, ten inch, two hundred pound man. But I did it.
I walked for five minutes like Mara had instructed and then stretched my warmed muscles.
After that I jogged until I was breathing hard and heavy, then walked again until my heart rate slowed and repeated the pattern about five times. It was challenging but it was so invigorating.
It felt good moving my body in that way.
I just hoped my positive mood would last, but reasoning with myself one day at a time.
Saturday 9 March 2013
Chapter 7 -The walk
Chapter 7 - The Walk
Catching up with Mara was more difficult than I had anticipated, I was really breathless, but my perseverance paid off I did catch up with her.
"Hey slow down a little, I thought we were s'pose to be taking it easy?"
"No, Jon, I said no heavy weights today, You are doing really well, but if you would rather take things a little slower that's fine, I need for you to be comfortable with the training plan so that you stick to it"
"Great, that would help, my heart feels like its gonna explode in my chest"
We continued walking, but at a much slower pace, I watched Mara as we walked, her eye's never left me. I on occasions I would look down.
"You can't get over her, can you?" I promptly turned to face Mara. She was still looking at me, her eyes wide. We stopped walking for a moment. She must have been surprised by my reaction. truthfully, I was caught off guard by her question. It really has never been about getting over Dorothea.
"Why do you ask that?" I said sounding more annoyed than I wanted too.
"I just thought that your depression was due to missing your wife. I'm sorry."
"What makes you think I am depressed right now?" I really wanted to know. The tabloids had begun leaving me alone a year after the indiscretion. No one but my family knew I was depressed.
"I just assumed."
"Why"
"I see it in your eyes. Your sad. The eyes don't lie Jon" remember I have been where your soul is right now."
I closed my eyes briefly, and then we started to walk again. "Yeah I'm sad, but it's not really because I miss my wife."
"Oh"
"What does that me oh" I could always be relied on to get defensive. Mara was not being offensive yet I had automatically put up my guard.
"It means nothing. I just thought maybe I was prying too much, and that I should end this part of the conversation."
"I'm sorry. I haven't had a conversation with another female besides my mother in a very long time, and truthfully even then, she's the one doing the talking. I don't mind the questions if you don't mind my reactions?"
"I don't mind."
We continued to the end of the boardwalk and then turned to head back to the car. Mara seemed more careful now in her questioning. "What were you like when you were younger?"
I let out a guttural laugh. "Trouble."
"I expected that."
"You did? what gave me away?"
"Someone who was able to make it being a huge rock star by the age of 21 had to be somewhat of a thrill seeker."
"True, I wasn't afraid of much. I guess I have my parents to thank for that. Besides raising me to be a chronic smart-ass, they gave me lots of freedom. My child hood was a blast. Did you know my Mom and Dad were both Marines?, that's how they met, then my Mom met Hugh Heffner and became a Playboy Bunny Girl, with my Dad then turning his hand to hairdressing, they bought a home in Sayerville and we settled in Jersey." " A few years later joined by my brothers Anthony and Matthew".
"My childhood was conventional in many ways, but the urge to be a rock star was installed at a very young age. My Mom would play Frank Sinatra, Gene Autry music and we would sing along together, Oh yeah I had many a thrill as a young kid"
I turned to look at Mara, who was looking straight ahead as she walked and listened. It made me smile to see her petite profile. Her nose small and tipped at the end. It fitted her face extremely well.
"So what was your child hood like?"
"Fairly shy." I noticed she didn't look down as she continued her response.
"I didn't have a dad around, like most of my friends had, so I was always an outcast. Mom was great, but she worked so much that I would have to stay at my Uncle Frank's house more than my own"
"Where was your Dad?" I was curious.
"I don't know", she shrugged. "I never knew him. My Mom had me young and I guess he chose not to stick around. whenever I'd ask about him my mother just said he was a young boy that didn't know any better. Uncle Frank tried to be like a dad to me, but once my cousin Francis was born, I kind of felt in the way. They never wanted me to; because they definitely treated me as a daughter, but I knew better. They went on to have five other kids. I did babysit for them eventually. It was all good. I just ended up quiet that's all."
Mara looked back to me and smiled.
"How did you get into fitness?" "Uncle Frank did the same role, he was, still is a fitness instructor."
My questions continued, I had a thirst to know everything about Mara. "Do you have many clients?"
"Currently I have about ten, Sometimes I have more, sometimes less. I'm also a group fitness instructor; I teach spinning classes and kick boxing too...... It's okay cos it pays my bills and keeps me in shape".
I found Mara interesting, I really enjoyed her company. it was a shame that our walk ended to quickly. We reached the car, I opened the door for Mara to get in, and circled round to the driver side and got in to. truthfully; excited to be sitting so close to her again.
Mara, ran her hand across the dash,
"I like your interior choice, white is great it blends with the paint work, very sophisticated, your car is amazing."
"Thanks, I bought it for myself after our 3rd album went platinum" I suddenly felt nostalgic for my performing days.
Just like Mara had said about my car, she too was a sophisticated classy lady. she was refined and polished, yet unpretentious. I wanted to get to know her better. No I needed to get to know her better.
Catching up with Mara was more difficult than I had anticipated, I was really breathless, but my perseverance paid off I did catch up with her.
"Hey slow down a little, I thought we were s'pose to be taking it easy?"
"No, Jon, I said no heavy weights today, You are doing really well, but if you would rather take things a little slower that's fine, I need for you to be comfortable with the training plan so that you stick to it"
"Great, that would help, my heart feels like its gonna explode in my chest"
We continued walking, but at a much slower pace, I watched Mara as we walked, her eye's never left me. I on occasions I would look down.
"You can't get over her, can you?" I promptly turned to face Mara. She was still looking at me, her eyes wide. We stopped walking for a moment. She must have been surprised by my reaction. truthfully, I was caught off guard by her question. It really has never been about getting over Dorothea.
"Why do you ask that?" I said sounding more annoyed than I wanted too.
"I just thought that your depression was due to missing your wife. I'm sorry."
"What makes you think I am depressed right now?" I really wanted to know. The tabloids had begun leaving me alone a year after the indiscretion. No one but my family knew I was depressed.
"I just assumed."
"Why"
"I see it in your eyes. Your sad. The eyes don't lie Jon" remember I have been where your soul is right now."
I closed my eyes briefly, and then we started to walk again. "Yeah I'm sad, but it's not really because I miss my wife."
"Oh"
"What does that me oh" I could always be relied on to get defensive. Mara was not being offensive yet I had automatically put up my guard.
"It means nothing. I just thought maybe I was prying too much, and that I should end this part of the conversation."
"I'm sorry. I haven't had a conversation with another female besides my mother in a very long time, and truthfully even then, she's the one doing the talking. I don't mind the questions if you don't mind my reactions?"
"I don't mind."
We continued to the end of the boardwalk and then turned to head back to the car. Mara seemed more careful now in her questioning. "What were you like when you were younger?"
I let out a guttural laugh. "Trouble."
"I expected that."
"You did? what gave me away?"
"Someone who was able to make it being a huge rock star by the age of 21 had to be somewhat of a thrill seeker."
"True, I wasn't afraid of much. I guess I have my parents to thank for that. Besides raising me to be a chronic smart-ass, they gave me lots of freedom. My child hood was a blast. Did you know my Mom and Dad were both Marines?, that's how they met, then my Mom met Hugh Heffner and became a Playboy Bunny Girl, with my Dad then turning his hand to hairdressing, they bought a home in Sayerville and we settled in Jersey." " A few years later joined by my brothers Anthony and Matthew".
"My childhood was conventional in many ways, but the urge to be a rock star was installed at a very young age. My Mom would play Frank Sinatra, Gene Autry music and we would sing along together, Oh yeah I had many a thrill as a young kid"
I turned to look at Mara, who was looking straight ahead as she walked and listened. It made me smile to see her petite profile. Her nose small and tipped at the end. It fitted her face extremely well.
"So what was your child hood like?"
"Fairly shy." I noticed she didn't look down as she continued her response.
"I didn't have a dad around, like most of my friends had, so I was always an outcast. Mom was great, but she worked so much that I would have to stay at my Uncle Frank's house more than my own"
"Where was your Dad?" I was curious.
"I don't know", she shrugged. "I never knew him. My Mom had me young and I guess he chose not to stick around. whenever I'd ask about him my mother just said he was a young boy that didn't know any better. Uncle Frank tried to be like a dad to me, but once my cousin Francis was born, I kind of felt in the way. They never wanted me to; because they definitely treated me as a daughter, but I knew better. They went on to have five other kids. I did babysit for them eventually. It was all good. I just ended up quiet that's all."
Mara looked back to me and smiled.
"How did you get into fitness?" "Uncle Frank did the same role, he was, still is a fitness instructor."
My questions continued, I had a thirst to know everything about Mara. "Do you have many clients?"
"Currently I have about ten, Sometimes I have more, sometimes less. I'm also a group fitness instructor; I teach spinning classes and kick boxing too...... It's okay cos it pays my bills and keeps me in shape".
I found Mara interesting, I really enjoyed her company. it was a shame that our walk ended to quickly. We reached the car, I opened the door for Mara to get in, and circled round to the driver side and got in to. truthfully; excited to be sitting so close to her again.
Mara, ran her hand across the dash,
"I like your interior choice, white is great it blends with the paint work, very sophisticated, your car is amazing."
"Thanks, I bought it for myself after our 3rd album went platinum" I suddenly felt nostalgic for my performing days.
Just like Mara had said about my car, she too was a sophisticated classy lady. she was refined and polished, yet unpretentious. I wanted to get to know her better. No I needed to get to know her better.
Friday 8 March 2013
Chapter six - Mara
Chapter Six - Mara
After Mara agreed to stay with me, I turned my gaze away from her and looked down at her hand still on my knee. Mara sat there not saying a word, it felt totally comfortable; there was no tension between us, in actual fact it felt as natural as breathing.
I must have stared at her hand for 5 minutes, before I looked up straight back into her tender cocoa eyes.
My thoughts were a plenty at the moment, and I was aware of the electric tension nipping at my once anesthetized body. The nerves inside felt like live wires competing for the ultimate surge.
I wanted to tell Mara how her presence was bringing me back to life, but I could not bring myself to tell her this, not yet;, we had only met 2 days ago. I had spent no more than an hour with her on Monday and only a few minutes with her today, yet here was this angel resuscitating my heart.
Mara spoke and broke the silence between us, " The colour is returning to your face, Are you feeling better Jon"?.
"I am. you know we don't need to cancel my session. I'm good." "Ok, but given what I have witnessed, I think it's best if we avoided any heavy weight training today. Why don't we start by taking a walk?"
A walk with an angel? Me? "Sure, lets go" Mara headed to the front door with me following close behind, I had to admit I was extremely nervous. there was something about Mara that was brightening my mood and it had nothing to do with her being my personal trainer.
Mara, was bright intelligent and dressed to perfection even in her sweats and trainers. with pink baseball cap and her hair pulled through the hole in the back hanging as a ponytail. Mara was fresh air to my stale lungs and I was enjoying breathing her in.
I caught my reflection as I passed the mirror in the hall, Ouch, was that really me? one time rock star? the awful reality was yes.
This body was being brought back to life and was going to re enter the world, it was going to be a fight, but finally I felt up to the challenge.
Mara turned to me and gave me a big smile as we reached the door, "I'm all set for whatever you have to do to me Mara, but I think I had better warn you, I haven't walked much farther than the distance of the refrigerator to my recliner. I hope your are certified in CPR".
Mara let out a laugh, " you will be fine, and for the record yes, I am certified in CPR, so feel free to pass out as the whim hits you".
She was funny too. I let my hand sweep across her back as I led the way out of the door. Even though the moment was brief the charge that ran up my arm to my heart was fierce; I hoped that she had felt it too.
"Why don't we take our walk on the boardwalk, instead of just around the lake? "I'll drive" I opened the passenger side of the Mustang convertible for Mara and then closed it as soon as she was in.
It felt good to act chivalrous. Climbing into the drivers seat I started the engine and drove us the short ride to the boardwalk.
The ride was quiet, but we were both comfortable with the silence.
Arriving at the boardwalk, I let Mara take the lead. She was my trainer after all.
We started off walking at a pretty slow pace. it was embarrassing to me to think of what she really thought of my fitness level. I must be somewhere over two hundred pounds. but she never outwardly seemed to pass judgement on that.
"The lake is pretty. What made you decide to move up here?" I remember reading that you were a Red Bank man." I could tell Mara was nervous, but she was doing a great job keeping the mood light.
"After my break up with Dorothea, I could not live that close anymore, still being in Jersey means I am with my roots."
"um mm you moving to the country and becoming a farmer does not hold an alluring image", laughing she turned to me and we picked up the pace.
After Mara agreed to stay with me, I turned my gaze away from her and looked down at her hand still on my knee. Mara sat there not saying a word, it felt totally comfortable; there was no tension between us, in actual fact it felt as natural as breathing.
I must have stared at her hand for 5 minutes, before I looked up straight back into her tender cocoa eyes.
My thoughts were a plenty at the moment, and I was aware of the electric tension nipping at my once anesthetized body. The nerves inside felt like live wires competing for the ultimate surge.
I wanted to tell Mara how her presence was bringing me back to life, but I could not bring myself to tell her this, not yet;, we had only met 2 days ago. I had spent no more than an hour with her on Monday and only a few minutes with her today, yet here was this angel resuscitating my heart.
Mara spoke and broke the silence between us, " The colour is returning to your face, Are you feeling better Jon"?.
"I am. you know we don't need to cancel my session. I'm good." "Ok, but given what I have witnessed, I think it's best if we avoided any heavy weight training today. Why don't we start by taking a walk?"
A walk with an angel? Me? "Sure, lets go" Mara headed to the front door with me following close behind, I had to admit I was extremely nervous. there was something about Mara that was brightening my mood and it had nothing to do with her being my personal trainer.
Mara, was bright intelligent and dressed to perfection even in her sweats and trainers. with pink baseball cap and her hair pulled through the hole in the back hanging as a ponytail. Mara was fresh air to my stale lungs and I was enjoying breathing her in.
I caught my reflection as I passed the mirror in the hall, Ouch, was that really me? one time rock star? the awful reality was yes.
This body was being brought back to life and was going to re enter the world, it was going to be a fight, but finally I felt up to the challenge.
Mara turned to me and gave me a big smile as we reached the door, "I'm all set for whatever you have to do to me Mara, but I think I had better warn you, I haven't walked much farther than the distance of the refrigerator to my recliner. I hope your are certified in CPR".
Mara let out a laugh, " you will be fine, and for the record yes, I am certified in CPR, so feel free to pass out as the whim hits you".
She was funny too. I let my hand sweep across her back as I led the way out of the door. Even though the moment was brief the charge that ran up my arm to my heart was fierce; I hoped that she had felt it too.
"Why don't we take our walk on the boardwalk, instead of just around the lake? "I'll drive" I opened the passenger side of the Mustang convertible for Mara and then closed it as soon as she was in.
It felt good to act chivalrous. Climbing into the drivers seat I started the engine and drove us the short ride to the boardwalk.
The ride was quiet, but we were both comfortable with the silence.
Arriving at the boardwalk, I let Mara take the lead. She was my trainer after all.
We started off walking at a pretty slow pace. it was embarrassing to me to think of what she really thought of my fitness level. I must be somewhere over two hundred pounds. but she never outwardly seemed to pass judgement on that.
"The lake is pretty. What made you decide to move up here?" I remember reading that you were a Red Bank man." I could tell Mara was nervous, but she was doing a great job keeping the mood light.
"After my break up with Dorothea, I could not live that close anymore, still being in Jersey means I am with my roots."
"um mm you moving to the country and becoming a farmer does not hold an alluring image", laughing she turned to me and we picked up the pace.
Monday 4 March 2013
chapter 5 - The Work out
Chapter 5- The Work Out
I was dumbfounded, my body stirred up emotions it hadn't felt in I don't know how many years. These were not thoughts or dire feelings like I had grown used to. I was suddenly filled with desire. I almost didnt recognise this rare unexpected emotion. I really wanted to reach out and hug her.The years had past nearly into a decade without a hint of a hope, and now standing before me was what I believed to be an angel from god.
Dressing into some sweat pants and a top I made my way to Mara in the loft room for us to start my work out and road to health. Walking up the stairway my heart started pounding and my mouth was dry, my palms were clammy and everything started to spin. I managed to make it into the loft, and sit clumsily on the floor. Mara, hurried over to me, concern all over her face, her eyes filled with compassion. "Jon, are you ok." "I think so," I croaked "can you stand." gingerly I tried rising to my feet, very shakily I managed to stand. Mara led me to the benches where we had sat only days ago accessing my fitness levels.
Sitting next to me Mara gently placed her hand on my knee, "I think we should postpone your work out for today, we can reschedule this for tomorrow, ok." I nodded in agreement as my throat was getting tighter; turning to face Mara, I looked into her eyes and tried to speak, but my throat had closed completely. Mara, rose from the bench and disappeared and returned a few moments later with a glass of water. Handing me the water, she again rested her hand onto me knee. I sipped the water and slowly my throat opened and I was able to thank her.
"I really should go Jon, but I will see you tomorrow at 10am ok?" I looked at Mara and nodded, "Are you sure you will be ok?" I could not lie, shaking my head, I looked down to the floor and for the first time in seven years I cried, my body racked with the grief and the pain I had endured both to my wife, family and myself, I cried like there would be no tomorrow. All the time, Mara sat next to me and was either stroking my back, or my hand, offering support.
An eternity passed before the crying stopped, my body was aching all over and I felt drained from my emotions. " Do you feel a little better?" everything told me I should apologise for my breakdown in front of Mara, but she was gracious and told she knew just what I was going through.
I was intrigued, how could this young women have any concept about carrying guilt and punishing oneself for doing something so cruel to another person, that you loved?.
"I understand truly Jon," taking a deep breath she began to speak, her voice soft and filled with raw emotion.
"I was married Jon; to a wonderful man called Brad, we had been highschool sweethearts; just like you and your wife; when we told our families we had decided to marry, they were not surprised. Everything in my life felt perfect.
Our wedding anniversary was approaching and to celebrate we decided on a mini vacation together; nowhere fancy or expensive, as I was still training to get my degree to be a qualified personal Training instructor. Mara paused, and swallowed hard as she continued,
"24 hours before we were due to leave, I had to hand in some coursework for my exam, I was really unhappy with my work so asked Brad if we could postpone our vacation by one day. He was great, kissing me he said it would be no problem that he would go into work the next day to cover his workload before we left for our vacation. ............That was the Tuesday. Do you know what Tuesday I am referring too Jon?"
I racked my brains "erm, no, sorry, I have no idea"
"That Tuesday Jon, was in 2001, the day the twin towers and NewYork was attacked by terroists. 9/11; Brad worked on the 72nd floor. Brad died that day,........................all because of me."
I live with the guilt everyday of my life, going though what ifs, but nothing will bring Brad back. I lost my one true love too, so I really do understand your pain." while talking, Mara had come to sit beside me, we looked into each others eye's and for the second time in seven years a desire stirred deep within me.
"stay, Mara, please, .........I'll pay you a day's wage, but please stay, I-I-I don't want to be alone today?" taking my hand and looking into my eye's she spoke, "yes Jon I'll stay, I would not want to leave you while you feel the way you do".
I was dumbfounded, my body stirred up emotions it hadn't felt in I don't know how many years. These were not thoughts or dire feelings like I had grown used to. I was suddenly filled with desire. I almost didnt recognise this rare unexpected emotion. I really wanted to reach out and hug her.The years had past nearly into a decade without a hint of a hope, and now standing before me was what I believed to be an angel from god.
Dressing into some sweat pants and a top I made my way to Mara in the loft room for us to start my work out and road to health. Walking up the stairway my heart started pounding and my mouth was dry, my palms were clammy and everything started to spin. I managed to make it into the loft, and sit clumsily on the floor. Mara, hurried over to me, concern all over her face, her eyes filled with compassion. "Jon, are you ok." "I think so," I croaked "can you stand." gingerly I tried rising to my feet, very shakily I managed to stand. Mara led me to the benches where we had sat only days ago accessing my fitness levels.
Sitting next to me Mara gently placed her hand on my knee, "I think we should postpone your work out for today, we can reschedule this for tomorrow, ok." I nodded in agreement as my throat was getting tighter; turning to face Mara, I looked into her eyes and tried to speak, but my throat had closed completely. Mara, rose from the bench and disappeared and returned a few moments later with a glass of water. Handing me the water, she again rested her hand onto me knee. I sipped the water and slowly my throat opened and I was able to thank her.
"I really should go Jon, but I will see you tomorrow at 10am ok?" I looked at Mara and nodded, "Are you sure you will be ok?" I could not lie, shaking my head, I looked down to the floor and for the first time in seven years I cried, my body racked with the grief and the pain I had endured both to my wife, family and myself, I cried like there would be no tomorrow. All the time, Mara sat next to me and was either stroking my back, or my hand, offering support.
An eternity passed before the crying stopped, my body was aching all over and I felt drained from my emotions. " Do you feel a little better?" everything told me I should apologise for my breakdown in front of Mara, but she was gracious and told she knew just what I was going through.
I was intrigued, how could this young women have any concept about carrying guilt and punishing oneself for doing something so cruel to another person, that you loved?.
"I understand truly Jon," taking a deep breath she began to speak, her voice soft and filled with raw emotion.
"I was married Jon; to a wonderful man called Brad, we had been highschool sweethearts; just like you and your wife; when we told our families we had decided to marry, they were not surprised. Everything in my life felt perfect.
Our wedding anniversary was approaching and to celebrate we decided on a mini vacation together; nowhere fancy or expensive, as I was still training to get my degree to be a qualified personal Training instructor. Mara paused, and swallowed hard as she continued,
"24 hours before we were due to leave, I had to hand in some coursework for my exam, I was really unhappy with my work so asked Brad if we could postpone our vacation by one day. He was great, kissing me he said it would be no problem that he would go into work the next day to cover his workload before we left for our vacation. ............That was the Tuesday. Do you know what Tuesday I am referring too Jon?"
I racked my brains "erm, no, sorry, I have no idea"
"That Tuesday Jon, was in 2001, the day the twin towers and NewYork was attacked by terroists. 9/11; Brad worked on the 72nd floor. Brad died that day,........................all because of me."
I live with the guilt everyday of my life, going though what ifs, but nothing will bring Brad back. I lost my one true love too, so I really do understand your pain." while talking, Mara had come to sit beside me, we looked into each others eye's and for the second time in seven years a desire stirred deep within me.
"stay, Mara, please, .........I'll pay you a day's wage, but please stay, I-I-I don't want to be alone today?" taking my hand and looking into my eye's she spoke, "yes Jon I'll stay, I would not want to leave you while you feel the way you do".
Saturday 2 March 2013
Chapter 4 - The Best of me
Chapter 4 -The Best Of Me
I glared back at Mara, there was no way she would get the best of me. "I assure you, you are not wasting your time, you may continue your questions". Mara obliged and finished her questionnaire and then began her assessment. I failed. She tried to tell me it wasn't about passing or failing, but honestly if she had graded me, I would have received a big fat 'F' on my forehead.
I was out of breath in a minute and my heart rate sky rocketed in record time. " You did well Jon, you will be back in shape in no time at all.
Can I meet with you Wednesday? same time, or would you prefer someone else?".
I gave a slight roll of my eyes and addressed her question. " No I really do not want anyone else; I'm sorry, I haven't had to be social in a very long time. I promise.... the next time we meet the attitude will be gone, but how come it's over so soon? what about the work out I am suppose to have?"
"Mr Bon Jovi, you haven't exercised in years, the assessment today today is work out enough for you, we will start you off slow and build from there, trust me in time I am gonna have you working your ass off, and then you will be sorry you asked and complained" She laughed as she walked down the stairs to the front door.
Opening the door she turned to me. "I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot, but I really do think we will work out together fine." " I think so too, but please call me Jon", I had to admit there was something about Mara that was awakening my senses,
"can I ask you a question?"
"sure, shoot"
" have we ever met before? you look so familiar." Mara smiled, her eye's milky brown began to sparkle. "Not really."
"Not really what does that mean?"
"How about we discuss this another time, Mr Jovi... Jon, I really have to go, I have another client. See you on Wednesday."
Her answer not really, kept repeating over and over, what the hell did that mean, we either have met or we haven't, how hard a question was it?, I walked casually to the fridge intending on getting a beer and some potato chips, somehow I poured my self a glass of milk, and grabbed a peice of chicken my mom had left in the fridge for me. I could not help but sigh, why did my Mom always have to be right.
Taking my refreshments, for which I would normally of headed straight for the recliner; today I sat at the kitchen table. Mom came through the door just as I was finishing my lunch.
The look on her face was one of victory. "cool it Mom. You can wipe that smile off your face. nothings changed, I still do not wanna do a reunion tour."
"You will have to take that up with Paul your Manager and Richie, I however am happy to see a small smile on your beautiful face, I forgot how wonderful that was, but please son get rid of that awful beard, you are to handsome for that"
I know it was hard for my Mom, seeing her Son hurting, but sometimes me seeing through my hurt and depression at times was impossible too.
"I guess your right Mom, the beard will go, but in my own time eh, one step at a time, but Mom, thanks."
"thanks for what, sweetheart?"
"For sticking around, I guess, for believing in me, I really never meant to hurt you or dad, I'm sorry."
I had to turn away from her as I could not look into her eye's and see the raw pain and emotion that I had made her suffer for all these years.
"Jon, you have never disappointed me, or your dad, she turned me to look at her, forcing me to look into her eye's, bringing her hand to my chin she gently cupped my face, "Son your pain is my pain, all I want to do is to take your pain away and make everything better for you, I know that will not happen over night, and we do not expect miracles, as you say, one step at a time." she leant forward and kissed my forehead before moving to the other side of the kitchen and starting her own must do chores.
Awaking next morning, I could not believe that my good mood was still with me, I never would have dreamt that I would feel this good, given that my dreams had been about Dorothea and what I had done, rising from my bed, I walked over to the bedroom window and opened the drapes. The morning was bright with the sun shining across the lake, which happened to be east facing.
" Jon, come on Son, It's time to get up. I don't want you sleeping your day away."
" Mom?" of course she was living here wasn't she? I heard her footsteps climbing the stairs, and then the knock on the door, "Jon..." "Yes Mom, I'm awake and up"
"OK, your breakfast is downstairs, all ready for you, its an omelet and 2 slices of wholemeal toast, please get it while its hot." I snapped,
"Mom, I'm 38 years of age, I can make my own food, stop treating me like a child." immediately I felt a pang in my stomach, the last thing I wanted to do was disrespect my Mom., I turned and was about to apologise again when I saw her shoulders slump and she headed out of the door, then 90 seconds later the front door opened and then shut, Mom had left my house.
Would I ever learn?, It is like I've said before, sometimes its hard for me to see past my depression.
The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts, walking down the stairs I went to open the door, expecting it to be my Mom, I thought she could have forgotten her key. the door bell rang again, my Mom would not keep ringing the bell so it had to be someone else.
I reached the door and opened it, it wasn't Mom, It was Mara. And I was in my boxers, no shirt, so my gut was hanging out for the perfectly toned Mara to see.
"Mara, I thought you were coming on Wednesday." My surprise was apparent on my pillow pressed face.
"It is Wednesday Jon. "Wednesday? shit, I had lost all concept of time. "I'm sorry, give me five, I'll go and get ready"
"That's fine I'll wait, I will meet you in the loft room."
As quick as lightening Mara flew up the stairs like an angel with wings. A sweet, Sunny brunette angel. I was cursing myself, for having such feelings, but deep down inside my soul something had started to smoulder.
I glared back at Mara, there was no way she would get the best of me. "I assure you, you are not wasting your time, you may continue your questions". Mara obliged and finished her questionnaire and then began her assessment. I failed. She tried to tell me it wasn't about passing or failing, but honestly if she had graded me, I would have received a big fat 'F' on my forehead.
I was out of breath in a minute and my heart rate sky rocketed in record time. " You did well Jon, you will be back in shape in no time at all.
Can I meet with you Wednesday? same time, or would you prefer someone else?".
I gave a slight roll of my eyes and addressed her question. " No I really do not want anyone else; I'm sorry, I haven't had to be social in a very long time. I promise.... the next time we meet the attitude will be gone, but how come it's over so soon? what about the work out I am suppose to have?"
"Mr Bon Jovi, you haven't exercised in years, the assessment today today is work out enough for you, we will start you off slow and build from there, trust me in time I am gonna have you working your ass off, and then you will be sorry you asked and complained" She laughed as she walked down the stairs to the front door.
Opening the door she turned to me. "I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot, but I really do think we will work out together fine." " I think so too, but please call me Jon", I had to admit there was something about Mara that was awakening my senses,
"can I ask you a question?"
"sure, shoot"
" have we ever met before? you look so familiar." Mara smiled, her eye's milky brown began to sparkle. "Not really."
"Not really what does that mean?"
"How about we discuss this another time, Mr Jovi... Jon, I really have to go, I have another client. See you on Wednesday."
Her answer not really, kept repeating over and over, what the hell did that mean, we either have met or we haven't, how hard a question was it?, I walked casually to the fridge intending on getting a beer and some potato chips, somehow I poured my self a glass of milk, and grabbed a peice of chicken my mom had left in the fridge for me. I could not help but sigh, why did my Mom always have to be right.
Taking my refreshments, for which I would normally of headed straight for the recliner; today I sat at the kitchen table. Mom came through the door just as I was finishing my lunch.
The look on her face was one of victory. "cool it Mom. You can wipe that smile off your face. nothings changed, I still do not wanna do a reunion tour."
"You will have to take that up with Paul your Manager and Richie, I however am happy to see a small smile on your beautiful face, I forgot how wonderful that was, but please son get rid of that awful beard, you are to handsome for that"
I know it was hard for my Mom, seeing her Son hurting, but sometimes me seeing through my hurt and depression at times was impossible too.
"I guess your right Mom, the beard will go, but in my own time eh, one step at a time, but Mom, thanks."
"thanks for what, sweetheart?"
"For sticking around, I guess, for believing in me, I really never meant to hurt you or dad, I'm sorry."
I had to turn away from her as I could not look into her eye's and see the raw pain and emotion that I had made her suffer for all these years.
"Jon, you have never disappointed me, or your dad, she turned me to look at her, forcing me to look into her eye's, bringing her hand to my chin she gently cupped my face, "Son your pain is my pain, all I want to do is to take your pain away and make everything better for you, I know that will not happen over night, and we do not expect miracles, as you say, one step at a time." she leant forward and kissed my forehead before moving to the other side of the kitchen and starting her own must do chores.
Awaking next morning, I could not believe that my good mood was still with me, I never would have dreamt that I would feel this good, given that my dreams had been about Dorothea and what I had done, rising from my bed, I walked over to the bedroom window and opened the drapes. The morning was bright with the sun shining across the lake, which happened to be east facing.
" Jon, come on Son, It's time to get up. I don't want you sleeping your day away."
" Mom?" of course she was living here wasn't she? I heard her footsteps climbing the stairs, and then the knock on the door, "Jon..." "Yes Mom, I'm awake and up"
"OK, your breakfast is downstairs, all ready for you, its an omelet and 2 slices of wholemeal toast, please get it while its hot." I snapped,
"Mom, I'm 38 years of age, I can make my own food, stop treating me like a child." immediately I felt a pang in my stomach, the last thing I wanted to do was disrespect my Mom., I turned and was about to apologise again when I saw her shoulders slump and she headed out of the door, then 90 seconds later the front door opened and then shut, Mom had left my house.
Would I ever learn?, It is like I've said before, sometimes its hard for me to see past my depression.
The doorbell rang, interrupting my thoughts, walking down the stairs I went to open the door, expecting it to be my Mom, I thought she could have forgotten her key. the door bell rang again, my Mom would not keep ringing the bell so it had to be someone else.
I reached the door and opened it, it wasn't Mom, It was Mara. And I was in my boxers, no shirt, so my gut was hanging out for the perfectly toned Mara to see.
"Mara, I thought you were coming on Wednesday." My surprise was apparent on my pillow pressed face.
"It is Wednesday Jon. "Wednesday? shit, I had lost all concept of time. "I'm sorry, give me five, I'll go and get ready"
"That's fine I'll wait, I will meet you in the loft room."
As quick as lightening Mara flew up the stairs like an angel with wings. A sweet, Sunny brunette angel. I was cursing myself, for having such feelings, but deep down inside my soul something had started to smoulder.
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