chapter 5 - The Work out

Chapter 5- The Work Out

I was dumbfounded, my body stirred up emotions it hadn't felt in I don't know how many years. These were not thoughts or dire feelings like I had grown used to. I was suddenly filled with desire. I almost didnt recognise this rare unexpected emotion. I really wanted to reach out and hug her.The years had past nearly into a decade without a hint of a hope, and now standing before me was what I believed to be an angel from god.

Dressing into some sweat pants and a top I made my way to Mara in the loft room for us to start my work out and road to health. Walking up the stairway my heart started pounding and my mouth was dry, my palms were clammy and everything started to spin. I managed to make it into the loft, and sit clumsily on the floor. Mara, hurried over to me, concern all over her face, her eyes filled with compassion. "Jon, are you ok." "I think so," I croaked "can you stand." gingerly I tried rising to my feet, very shakily I managed to stand. Mara led me to the benches where we had sat only days ago accessing my fitness levels.
Sitting next to me Mara gently placed her hand on my knee, "I think we should postpone your work out for today, we can reschedule this for tomorrow, ok." I nodded in agreement as my throat was getting tighter; turning to face Mara, I looked into her eyes and tried to speak, but my throat had closed completely. Mara, rose from the bench and disappeared and returned a few moments later with a glass of water. Handing me the water, she again rested her hand onto me knee. I sipped the water and slowly my throat opened and I was able to thank her.

"I really should go Jon, but I will see you tomorrow at 10am ok?" I looked at Mara and nodded, "Are you sure you will be ok?" I could not lie, shaking my head, I looked down to the floor and for the first time in seven years I cried, my body racked with the grief and the pain I had endured both to my wife, family and myself, I cried like there would be no tomorrow. All the time, Mara sat next to me and was either stroking my back, or my hand, offering support.

An eternity passed before the crying stopped, my body was aching all over and I felt drained from my emotions. " Do you feel a little better?" everything told me I should apologise for my breakdown in front of Mara, but she was gracious and told she knew just what I was going through.

I was intrigued, how could this young women have any concept about carrying guilt and punishing oneself for doing something so cruel to another person, that you loved?.

 "I understand truly Jon," taking a deep breath she began to speak, her voice soft and filled with raw emotion.
"I was married Jon; to a wonderful man called Brad, we had been highschool sweethearts; just like you and your wife; when we told our families we had decided to marry, they were not surprised. Everything in my life felt perfect.
Our wedding anniversary was approaching and to celebrate we decided on a mini vacation together; nowhere fancy or expensive, as I was still training to get my degree to be a qualified personal Training instructor. Mara paused, and swallowed hard as she continued,
"24 hours before we were due to leave, I had to hand in some coursework for my exam, I was really unhappy with my work so asked Brad if we could postpone our vacation by one day. He was great, kissing me he said it would be no problem that he would go into work the next day to cover his workload before we left for our vacation. ............That was the Tuesday. Do you know what Tuesday I am referring too Jon?"
 I racked my brains "erm, no, sorry, I have no idea"

"That Tuesday Jon, was  in 2001, the day the twin towers and NewYork was attacked by terroists. 9/11; Brad  worked on the 72nd floor. Brad died that day,........................all because of me."

I live with the guilt everyday of my life, going though what ifs, but nothing will bring Brad back. I lost my one true love too, so I really do understand your pain." while talking, Mara had come to sit beside me, we looked into each others eye's and for the second time in seven years a desire stirred deep within me.
"stay, Mara, please, .........I'll pay you a day's wage, but please stay, I-I-I don't want to be alone today?" taking my hand and looking into my eye's she spoke, "yes Jon I'll stay, I would not want to leave you while you feel the way you do".