Chapter 35 - In Gods Hands

I sat with the cop at my side waiting to be assessed. The pain was excruciating and I was feeling dizzy from loss of blood. He was talking but I just could not focus on anything except the pain. My patience snapped...

"For the love of god, will you just shut the fuck up already.. jeez where is the Dr, I feel real dizzy..."
I was really struggling to stay awake, I never saw the cop leave my side to get help, but the next thing I knew I was on a gurney being taken to x ray, and then back to a cubicle and to a Dr.
I was drifting in and out of consciousness and was aware of people talking but I could not string together what was being said.

I was aware of my jacket and t shirt being removed, and then the pain I felt it seared through my soul and I heard screaming not realising the scream was actually me; as the Dr removed the knife,  then a heavy weight, followed more pain. When I awoke; I was in a bed; in a room, I could hear the Dr's and nurses outside at their station..... adjusting my eyes,  a familiar voice spoke, turning my head I saw Mara,
"Hey sleepy head..."
"Hey, what time is it?"
"A little after eleven."
"really?" I tried to move but the pain was to intense and I screamed out loud.
"Shit, man my arm".
"Yeah, rest easy, do you need some meds I can call the nurse?"
I shook my head, "no, its ok,"
"Jon, can I ask you something."
"Sure, babe anything shoot, though not literally; a stabbing in one day is enough.." I laughed...
"Don't joke , please; she could have killed you..., I really cannot believe she did that to you?,"
"I'm sorry... bad joke...am I forgiven..." holding her gaze her eye's softened and she nodded in response.....
I smiled and taking Mara's hand I needed to know what she wanted to ask,
"what do ya wanna know?"
Mara paused before she answered.....
"Well, ....  did she really come here to get to me?"

After being scolded  the last time for trying to protect her, I decided honesty was the best policy so answered truthfully....

"Yeah she did, baby, I'm sorry,  she went to the house first and threatened Jesse, he rang me to warn me. her behaviour shook him up for sure, but he's ok thank god."

I could see the shock on Mara's face,

"Oh my god; really is Jesse Ok?"

"Yeah he's fine, a strong fighter like his dad......  but are you ok?"

"Yeah I guess, I never had anyone hate me and want to hurt me before, it's new to me....I'm adjusting"

Being in the public's spotlight I adjusted to things like stalkers, threats, hell I had excellent lawyers to deal with that kinda shit; but this was different it was my ex wife trying to harm my girlfriend, I had to reassure her....

"It shouldn't be something to adjust too or get used too, and baby, I will take care of it all I promise, ok? you do trust me right?"

" You have protected me with your life Jon, that's why your laying here now.... how can I not trust you. I would prefer you let the police do the protecting though and you stop being a hero. I want you alive not dead" 

The look of love wrote across her face told me she loved me unconditionally as I did her;  I spoke,

"Mara I would give my life for you, because I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone, you are my world Mara,... I can never imagine my life without you in it? I never thought I would meet my soul mate but I have and I never want to lose you,"

Swallowing a lump that had formed in my throat I continued..

"earlier today when you ask me if I wanted you, I was shocked you asked me that? I really thought you knew me. for months you have known how I think, shit when you ask that question it stung babe, I don't mind telling ya...."

"Oh, god I was such a bitch, especially after everything you have done for me, I am so sorry..... I guess now is a good a time as any to explain my outburst...."

Tears were pricking the back of her eye's, as she looked at me; but I nodded for her to continue;
Taking a deep breath and exhaling Mara began....

"ok, when you asked me the question about moving in with you, genuinely for that moment I responded I thought you were asking me out of pity," I know, I am stupid.... but given everything I was being told, by the Consultant,.... my job... my senses left me for a short time....."
I interrupted,

"I thought you had enough of me, and I can't blame you with all this shit, hell; ever since you have hooked up with me its been one disaster after the other."

"Jon, please, can I finish before you speak, this is hard for me...."

"I'm sorry" I stayed quiet and listened...

"Good, ok, earlier, yes I was reminiscent of Brian too, I only had a short time with him, but yes we lived a whole life times worth of love together, and naturally I miss him, and part of me always will. I can't deny my feelings for him, or switch them off.  I loved him, hell I still love him. but now the love is for what we shared then and not now. does that make sense?.

I nodded, I did not want to interrupt again, I wanted to understand,  and I could see Mara was opening up her feelings to me.

"when Brian died in the 9/11 attacks, no one can imagine the pain I felt watching the south tower collapse, knowing that my husband was there at work because of me wanting to delay our vacation by one day. It matters not that terrorists took down the towers, my selfishness killed him. My heart halted and stayed in my mouth as I watched in horror my husband falling to his early death. I guess what I am saying is, your mom in law burning my house.  was this my punishment for killing Brian?, and Dorethea trying to get to me, was that another punishment to say I do not deserve a second chance at love?....... see, my head has been all over the place today, and when I said I did not know, I really meant I did not know, not that I did not want to be with you.... I just had to sort it out in my head....."

"But baby, Brian dying was a coincidence, a terrible one, it was not your fault. no one could have pre ented the attack that day, and of course its not your punishment, and no one I know more deserves a second chance at love more than you....."

she looked down at me, and tears falling she smiled....
"Thank you,"

I wanted to hug Mara, reassure her everything would be fine, but the pain from my shoulder I could not move, she was sat beside me, her head bowed down looking into her hands.
I reached out and took her hand and brought it to my lips and gently kissed her hand. My actions I hope speaking louder than my words for a change.

She raised her head and looked into my eye's. "Jon I am sorry for hurting you, please can you forgive me?"
"there is nothing to forgive."

Mara smiled fully, for the first time in a very long time, her eye's crinkled and sparkled, as she lent into me and we kissed.
It was now or never, I had to ask her,

"So Mara Goodward, will you do me the honour of..........