The Truth

Chapter 12

Starting conversation again with Mara I asked, " So where do you live?" "
I live in North Arlington, its about 50 minutes from here.
" Is that  far to travel coming to Red Bank?" I really had not ventured out much since locking myself away. "No not at all, I am surprised your not familiar with the area."
"I'm very familiar with New Jersey, well Red Bank and Sayreville, just not outside the local vacinity I know; In the band it was pretty much sheltered and when we travelled, it was out of a car and into a hotel," Laughing I continued, "but ask me about my favorite city in the world and I can amaze you."

while chatting to Mara I managed to find a place to pull over and to talk.
Getting out of the car, I rushed around to Mara's side of the car to help her out, but she had already beat me to it, I guess she had not pegged me as the courtly type, even though I had been trying in the short time she had been around.
We took our coffee's and drank as we talked.

"Jon, can I ask you something personal, If you don't want to answer that's fine."

I suddenly felt a knot in the pit of my stomach about what Mara was going to ask, but if I wanted a relationship with Mara then I had to be somewhat open with her.

"Shoot, ask away."

"Ok, this is not easy, but here goes," Mara swallowed hard and for the first time, she looked really nervous. " I know what I've read in the press about your womanising; and that your wife found you in bed with another women, .......but was that reason enough to lock yourself away for years and torture yourself as you have?, Jon, I feel as I am getting to know you there is more to it," she paused biefly; " oh, hell.... who am I to ask.... no what  please forget I asked I have no right to pry, that's personal to you, I'm  so sorry".

I stopped and turned to look at Mara, "It's ok, really, I am happy to explain, I really want you to know."
taking a deep breath I began, the knot in my stomach would not let up and my throat was dry as I began.

"Your right, the press had a field day with my womanising, and when I was found in bed with another women they milked the story for all its worth, no respect for Dorothea or my children. Bad enough they did that, but what makes it far worse is.... shit,"
I felt my eye's pricking with tears as I tried to stay in control to continue.

"The night that Dorothea came home and found me in bed with another women, she was fuelled with anger she left pretty much straight away,  I ran after her and called out, but she was beyond listening.... I couldn't drive as I was way to drunk; and once she was outside she climbed into her car and drove off.
I figured she was heading out to our other home in Sayerville; so I called a taxi and thought I would meet her there. I had to explain. I had to make her see.
Fact is Dorothea never made it, that night she crashed her car.
It was pretty bad, the services were called and had to cut her free,"
the lump in my throat was gettng bigger, but I stammered on, I had to let Mara know the truth,
" Dorothea was ok, thank god, ......but......... "
tears had now started falling down my face and I could not hold back the lump in my throat and the heartache I had carried for so long.
 "what no one knew was Dorothea was pregnant with my 4th child, a boy. she miscarried shortly after the crash.
she was carrying my baby Son and I ...........killed him"
By the end I was exhausted and had collapsed on the grass with my head in my hands sobbing uncontrolably letting the pent up grief flow through my veins.

Mara fell down on her knees beside me, pulling me to her; she hugged me, stroking my back, trying to ease my grief and pain.

When my tears had finally dried I looked at Mara, I had to ask,

"You see Mara, I am an evil man, not only did I kill the love I had with my wife, breaking her heart I killed my child.  now do you see why I do not deserve to be happy?" "Does my solitude make sense"

Mara sat back from me, and rested her hands in her lap, She spoke gently,

"Jon, what happened was an accident caused by a catalogue of events, your wife was at as much fault as you if not higher. Dorothea was carrying your child he was inside of her.
But blaming yourself like you have, Jon you really need to let go, its now your time to heal.
I cannot understand your hurt, but I do understand that you have paid the ultimate price for your indescretions, both you and Dorothea; but it's time to start to live again and, ...............................................if you would let me; I would love to help you do that"