I Am.....

Chapter seventeen

After breakfast, Mara left to meet with her clients, she had three appointments today, as she kissed me goodbye she reminded me again to go and talk to Dot and sort out our differences for the sake of my sanity and our kids. I was not looking forward to it, but it was something I had to do.

Coffee in hand; I dialled  Dots number and waited;
"Hello"
"Dot, its Jon, please don't hang up; .........listen, I'm sorry for this morning,  I really am,  but you made me mad... and... well it's no excuse... but .....  we can't carry on like this, hurting each other; can we meet up and discuss things calmly? you and I bitchin is no solution.
Your right; this is affecting out kids and its time we behaved like adults.
so; I was thinking; you know the Armour's Diner on Mount? can you meet me there at three o'clock?"
Dot said nothing the whole time I was talking until I finished then answered.
"Fine three o'clock" and the line went dead.

I felt anxious about meeting my ex wife, our past track record since my infidelity had  not been great and strained was a polite way of putting it, but for the sake of Jesse, Steph and Jake I had to put a stop to this hate and fighting. My kids were everything to me; and not being able to see them was killing me.
Looking at the time two ten, I had fifty minutes to gather my thoughts and think about how I was gonna sort things with Dot. I wished so bad that Mara could be with me; to support me; but as they say I made my bed and now had to lie in it.
I played my talk with Dot over and over in my head, planning what I was gonna say.
Leaving the house; walking to the car I thought I had it clear in my mind and felt a little more relaxed.

It was a short drive to Armour's Diner, and I parked up and headed inside. Taking the booth at the back of the Diner, I thought we would have some privacy to talk.
The waitress came over,
"Hi, my names Cherie and I will be your server today, here's our menu, the specials are on the board there, what can I get you to drink while you choose?"
"Hi, just coffee Thanks, no food."
"OK, taking the menu she said, be right back".
The waitress took off and huddled with her work mates in the corner the whispering had begun. Quick as lighting she was back with my coffee.

The usual are you Jon Bon Jovi was asked; I obliged with pictures and autographs, then asked Cherie respectfully to be left alone. She agreed to keep order among her work mates and give me the privacy I asked for.

Three ten and I saw  Dot walk into the Diner; with her was her Mom. Great; just what I needed a lecture.
I motioned to Dot and they made there way over.
Now; more than ever I wished Mara was with me.

Arriving at the booth Dot gestured for her mom to enter the booth first. politely I said hi to my ex in law, my greeting was met with a cold stony stare; Dot sat down next.
"Thanks for meeting me Dot, can I get you a coffee or something to eat?"
"no thanks, lets just get on with this" Still there was anger in her voice. This wasn't gonna be easy.

"OK, Dot, if I can have my say and then you can talk and then hopefully we can come to an amicable solution for the sake of our kids, is that alright?"
"Yeah."

Taking a deep breath I began,

"This is hard but here goes,
"I know I hurt you; god knows for seven years I beat myself up and have lived with the guilt of that night over and over. But I can't do that anymore Dot. It aint bringing back what I lost,
I know you hate me, but  trust me, you couldn't hate me more than I hate myself. Losing you was a result of my inexcusable actions and from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry. I lost my unborn Son too and that kills me more than anything; but now I'm losing my other kids too.
C'mon, can we sort this out? I need to see my kids? we can do it however suits you best I will be as flexible as you want, swallowing a lump in my throat.
As I said the last sentence I looked down at my coffee cup, tears pricking the back of my eyes. I had not seen my kids for 9 months and I had an ache in my heart that was overwhelming.

Dorothea looked at me the whole time I was talking, finally she spoke more than one word, her voice much softer.
"Jon, I'm the way I am because......... well; I still love you; I suppose I always will, what you said this morning; broke me inside. There's not a day goes by I don't think of our Son.
Over the years I let you shatter my heart over and over again Jon.
I tolerated your indiscretions, but when I found you in our marital bed; well that was unforgivable.
Yes I 'm guilty of using the kids to hurt you. I wanted you to know how much you had really hurt me;  to show you what you lost, ........but what I've have done is wrong, turning the kids against you is inexcusable and I'm sorry Jon.

Taking my hand in hers she softened to the Dot I used to remember. I do want the kids to know ya, your are an assole to me", she smiled as she said this with no malice in her voice, "but you're a wonderful father, and yes the kids really miss ya.  Jon, if we are gonna do this; don't let them down.
When we split the kids couldn't understand why? I shielded them from the truth, my mom helped me. Now that Jesse and Steph are older they understand what happened but Jake still has no idea, I don't want him to know. I hate all the fighting......... and yes I want us to be friends and to move on. hell; that's why I agreed to meet you here. There was a slight pause before Dot said; "So when do ya wanna see the kids Jon, and how do ya wanna to do this?"
At last we had cleared the air, both if us letting go the years of hurt and pain.

"Friday?, can I call to the house and pick um up? I could take um to a movie, dinner and have them home by nightfall?"
"Friday's fine, what time?"
"ten am?"
"Right; ten am Friday I'll let um know"
"Thanks, Dot; I'm glad we have been able to talk, no more looking back eh? lets focus on the future an Our kids and give um the best of us, no more bitchin and fighting, do ya agree?"
Dot looked at me, with watery eyes she smiled. My Ex Mother in Law, said nothing. I rose from the booth and moved to Dorothea's side, taking her hand I helped her out of the booth and gave her a hug and thanked her for everything. Both of us stood in an embrace for what seemed like ages, when at last we parted, we held each others hand and looked at one another, both of us with tears in our eyes. Finally Dot broke her hand from mine as she waited for her mother to exit the booth.  As she left she confirmed the time and day again with me.
I sat back at the booth and summoned the waitress and requested the check. paying the bill I left the Diner.
In my heart I was relieved; we had been able to at last get over the past and we would be moving forward.
With Mara and my kids in my life; I now had to decide did I really wanna get back to performing with Bon Jovi.