Our love making truly brought about everything that I had forgotten. Making love was different to just fucking.
Mara was sensitive, gentle, giving, everything I once had with Dot, until I threw it away.
It felt like god was now saying:- "hey Jon, you fucked up man, but you deserve a second chance at happiness",
Happiness, was one thing the energy I had and the new zest for life was something else.
I would never have guessed in my wildest dreams that Mara would have been able to change me to the man I feel I am now. but she has and I thank god for bringing me my angel.
Sitting in my sleeping quarters I found myself thinking of a new song, the same lines repeating over and over in my head.
For the first time in seven years, I had started to think about songs again; my inner self had woken and wanted to write. searching around the room I found a pad, frayed and curled at the edges, and then a pen. scribbling hard to get the ink flowing, I wrote:-
"Dirty Little Secret"
I light a candle
In the garden of love
To blind the angels
Looking down from above
I want, I need
The fruit of your pine
It tastes so bitter sweet
Cause I know it's not mine
I want to come inside
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
We act like strangers
When you're holding his hand
Cause there's a danger
That we both understand
We run like thief's
Through the temple of sin
Till we fall on our knees then you go back to him
I want to feel alive
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
In the garden of love
To blind the angels
Looking down from above
I want, I need
The fruit of your pine
It tastes so bitter sweet
Cause I know it's not mine
I want to come inside
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
We act like strangers
When you're holding his hand
Cause there's a danger
That we both understand
We run like thief's
Through the temple of sin
Till we fall on our knees then you go back to him
I want to feel alive
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
Hit the lights
And I'll come crawling to your window tonight
Come on and send the sign
I'll be your dirty little secret and you'll be mine
You got me knock knock knocking at your door
And I'll be coming back for more
We made a promise and we keep it
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Our dirty little secret
Once on paper, I read the lyrics, analysing the song; did I really think of Mara as my Dirty Little Secret; no I didn't, Mara was my secret but there was nothing dirty about her. The dirt was a long time ago, so this was a collaboration of both my lives, past and present.
I looked over my shoulder to see Mara, blissfully still sleeping, her hair had fallen softly across the pillow, her cheeks in the light creeping through the window brushed against the rosy hue of her cheeks and full sweet pink lips.
I sat just watching Mara, feeling contented and well.... happy...... Mara began to stir; she smiled at me as she woke and raised herself onto her elbows,
"Hi, good morning handsome"
"Did you sleep well?"
" Ummm yeah thanks really well, what time is it?"
"Quarter after eleven," I moved to the bed and sat next to Mara.
"Would you like breakfast? toast, fruit, cereal?"
" fruit would be fine for me and a coffee please"
"Hi, good morning handsome"
"Did you sleep well?"
" Ummm yeah thanks really well, what time is it?"
"Quarter after eleven," I moved to the bed and sat next to Mara.
"Would you like breakfast? toast, fruit, cereal?"
" fruit would be fine for me and a coffee please"
I Lent over and gave Mara a good morning kiss, the instant we kissed the impulse shocks I had felt surged through my veins.
"Fruit and coffee for ma'am it is, I'll be right back."
I left my sleeping quarters and made my way to the kitchen, thoughts of Mara distracting me as I sort about making coffee and preparing the breakfast for us both. that's why when the door bell rang, I jumped, nearly dropping the coffee pot, placing it on the back on the counter; I went to answer the door.
I was not really sure who to expect to be on the other side, but nothing could have shocked me more than when I saw Dorothea standing on my door step.
Her face was contorted with anger and without being asked she Barged her way into my lobby,
"Jon, we need to talk"
I felt my heart start to race as sarcastically I said "Please do come in"
closing the door I turned to look at Dorothea.
"So what do you want to talk about? for seven years nothing and now today you need to talk? what the fuck dot"
Dorothea's eye's were blazing as she spoke,
"Is it true?"
"Is what true"
She repeated the same question, "Is it true Jon?"
"what the fuck are you on about?"
"What I've been told."
"Well unless you tell me, how can I answer you" my patience was starting to wear thin, Dot always liked to play cat and mouse games. During our marriage it used to piss me off and Dot knew exactly how to do that even now.
"I have been told you are now screwing your fitness instructor, Well?"
"What goddamn business is it of yours who I sleep with, we ain't married anymore remember."
The anger was building inside me and I had started to pace. Dot knew the signs but she continued.
"It is my business, I am the mother of your children Jon. I know you cared nothing for me to play around when we were together, but can't you stop being so fucking selfish for one minute and think of your kids, how this will affect them?"
Raising my voice I continued " Just how the fuck will it affect the kids eh Dot?, please do tell me as I am such a bad fucking father, every time I try to make arrangements with you to see the kids, YOU always throw a reason as to why I can't into the mix, so maybe Dot you should look at what you have done to the kids rather than me. You have poisoned my kids against me, with all the hate you carry for me." before I could stop the next sentence it flew out of my mouth... "You fucking killed our unborn child to punish me and fuck you did a good job...I..." I stopped mid flow realisation hitting me like a sledge hammer. "Dot, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean...."
"Fuck you Jon, once an assole always an assole"" with tears streaming down her face she left and slammed the door.
I stood in silence, drained and a knot gnawing at my stomach, how the hell did I let that happen?, I jumped as I felt a pair of hands gently touch my shoulder, turning round I saw Mara looking at me, her eye's gentle and not judging me for what I had just said, She must have heard everything, I was cruel and out of order. I had shown a side of me that I never wanted Mara to see. truth is, Dot was the only person that could really push me over the edge, although my dad could come close Dot always managed it with ease.
Mara, slid her arms around me and pulled me close for a hug. gratefully I hugged her back. "I'm sorry, I really did not mean for that to happen or for what I said to Dot,...."
"Sssshhhhhh, it's OK, we all say things in the heat of the moment, from what I heard Jon, Dorothea was not in the mood for pleasantries as she came in.
you do need to talk to her though Jon, you can't leave things as they are, you both need to talk calmly and set boundaries, for both of you. Your kids are important and they are innocent parties caught in the crossfire between two duelling parents. If you need me to be with you; I will be by your side; but honestly this is something you really should do together on your own. You should choose a place of neutral meeting, somewhere neither of you can argue."
Mara was right, the anger and hate was useless, both Dot and I had thrown hate at each other for so long neither of us had really stopped to think about how it was affecting our children. Me with the guilt and Dot with the constant accusations. I made a mental note to contact Dot later and make the arrangements for us to meet. Moving into the future with Mara I needed to lay the ghosts and my failed marriage to rest. Dot and I needed to focus on the kids not our hate.
Mara stood back releasing me from her hug, smiling "so where's my breakfast Bon Jovi" and lightly smacking my ass, Mara pushed me back towards the kitchen to finish my duties. she followed me through and winked as she headed back to the bedroom....
"Fruit and coffee for ma'am it is, I'll be right back."
I left my sleeping quarters and made my way to the kitchen, thoughts of Mara distracting me as I sort about making coffee and preparing the breakfast for us both. that's why when the door bell rang, I jumped, nearly dropping the coffee pot, placing it on the back on the counter; I went to answer the door.
I was not really sure who to expect to be on the other side, but nothing could have shocked me more than when I saw Dorothea standing on my door step.
Her face was contorted with anger and without being asked she Barged her way into my lobby,
"Jon, we need to talk"
I felt my heart start to race as sarcastically I said "Please do come in"
closing the door I turned to look at Dorothea.
"So what do you want to talk about? for seven years nothing and now today you need to talk? what the fuck dot"
Dorothea's eye's were blazing as she spoke,
"Is it true?"
"Is what true"
She repeated the same question, "Is it true Jon?"
"what the fuck are you on about?"
"What I've been told."
"Well unless you tell me, how can I answer you" my patience was starting to wear thin, Dot always liked to play cat and mouse games. During our marriage it used to piss me off and Dot knew exactly how to do that even now.
"I have been told you are now screwing your fitness instructor, Well?"
"What goddamn business is it of yours who I sleep with, we ain't married anymore remember."
The anger was building inside me and I had started to pace. Dot knew the signs but she continued.
"It is my business, I am the mother of your children Jon. I know you cared nothing for me to play around when we were together, but can't you stop being so fucking selfish for one minute and think of your kids, how this will affect them?"
Raising my voice I continued " Just how the fuck will it affect the kids eh Dot?, please do tell me as I am such a bad fucking father, every time I try to make arrangements with you to see the kids, YOU always throw a reason as to why I can't into the mix, so maybe Dot you should look at what you have done to the kids rather than me. You have poisoned my kids against me, with all the hate you carry for me." before I could stop the next sentence it flew out of my mouth... "You fucking killed our unborn child to punish me and fuck you did a good job...I..." I stopped mid flow realisation hitting me like a sledge hammer. "Dot, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean...."
"Fuck you Jon, once an assole always an assole"" with tears streaming down her face she left and slammed the door.
I stood in silence, drained and a knot gnawing at my stomach, how the hell did I let that happen?, I jumped as I felt a pair of hands gently touch my shoulder, turning round I saw Mara looking at me, her eye's gentle and not judging me for what I had just said, She must have heard everything, I was cruel and out of order. I had shown a side of me that I never wanted Mara to see. truth is, Dot was the only person that could really push me over the edge, although my dad could come close Dot always managed it with ease.
Mara, slid her arms around me and pulled me close for a hug. gratefully I hugged her back. "I'm sorry, I really did not mean for that to happen or for what I said to Dot,...."
"Sssshhhhhh, it's OK, we all say things in the heat of the moment, from what I heard Jon, Dorothea was not in the mood for pleasantries as she came in.
you do need to talk to her though Jon, you can't leave things as they are, you both need to talk calmly and set boundaries, for both of you. Your kids are important and they are innocent parties caught in the crossfire between two duelling parents. If you need me to be with you; I will be by your side; but honestly this is something you really should do together on your own. You should choose a place of neutral meeting, somewhere neither of you can argue."
Mara was right, the anger and hate was useless, both Dot and I had thrown hate at each other for so long neither of us had really stopped to think about how it was affecting our children. Me with the guilt and Dot with the constant accusations. I made a mental note to contact Dot later and make the arrangements for us to meet. Moving into the future with Mara I needed to lay the ghosts and my failed marriage to rest. Dot and I needed to focus on the kids not our hate.
Mara stood back releasing me from her hug, smiling "so where's my breakfast Bon Jovi" and lightly smacking my ass, Mara pushed me back towards the kitchen to finish my duties. she followed me through and winked as she headed back to the bedroom....
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