Ill sleep when I'm dead!

Chapter 25

My Mom and Ruth both agreed, and Mara too that I should go see the kids and get some rest. I had to admit I was bushed and sleep was fast becoming my new best friend. I agreed that I would call and see the kids, but not collect them. given my lack of sleep for 48 hours I could not trust myself to be a safe driver. It was gonna take ounce of strength to keep my eye's open to drive back home.
Kissing Mara,  my temporary good bye, with a  promise to return the next day, I dragged my ass out of the hospital and over to my car in the parking lot.

I checked my refection in the mirror and was met with a stranger looking back at me. my eye's had sunk and were  blood shot, my skin pale. The stress and lack of sleep had certainly taken their toll on my exhausted body. rubbing my face and eye's to try and bring some life back to my face, with no joy, I slipped my cell into the hands free cradle and dialled Dots number. The phone rang once, before Dot answered....
"Jon, how's things?"
"good, Dot, everything is looking good, listen I'm just about to leave, but Dot, I am exhausted, I can't trust myself to drive with the kids in the car, so I was thinking and hoping you'd agree, how about I call to yours and spend the evening with you and the kids and grab some take out  for us all, then I can drive home after, would that be ok?"
" yeah, that's fine Jon, I was worried when you said you would collect them, especially as you aint slept for two days,...." The phone fell silent for a second, then Dot spoke again... "tell ya what Jon,  I've got an even better idea, why don't you stop over in the guest room?, that way after you have eaten you can just drag your body up to bed, then tomorrow you could spend some time with the kids before heading back off to see Mara? how's that sound?"
" Great I'll buy that, So what kinda take out do you and the kids want?" Dot shouted out to the kids and I could hear their voices all shouting different things. dot came back on the phone and said, get Pizza Jon, Hawaiian, margarita, pepperoni, you know the stuff, bring some cheese melts too and coke ok?"
"Ok, got it! see ya in an hour."
hanging up from the call, I started the engine and the long drive back. opening windows and blasting the air con to keep me from falling asleep at the wheel.
Mile after mile rolled by, a couple of times I had to shake my head when my eye's started to close, thank fully somehow I made it to Dot's, collecting the take out as the guys wanted.
Fifteen minutes from the Pizza parlour I pulled up on Dot's drive.
Before the engine had died, the front door flew open and the kids rushed out to greet me.
My car door was open and in seconds I was surrounded by my babies, I don't know if it was the relief of the last two days whole events, or just seeing the kids, but I was really choked and thanked god for everything and everyone in my life, for giving me a second chance to make things right..

Getting out of the car,  I stood next to my eldest son, Jesse; he had grown so much since I last saw him, he stood shoulder to shoulder with me, and Stephanie was growing into a beautiful young women, Jake, was a little tyke, with the energy of a tiger. I hugged them all together then each in turn. I felt the luckiest man in the world.

Grabbing the Pizza's and the drinks from the passenger seat we headed inside and ate in the breakfast nook in the kitchen.
Sitting around the table, it was so good listening to the kids and the chatter, it reminded me of the good times that Dot and I had shared together, and as a family.

After dinner, the kids wanted to watch a movie so we headed over to  the theatre room, nothing had changed, everything was as I remembered, Dot  started the movie as we all sat,  Jake on my knee, Stephanie sat to my right and Jesse to my left, with Dot sat next to him. What happened in the movie or what the movie was about I could not tell ya. I'm guessing I crashed out, as when I woke I was in the guest room, in bed and wearing just my shorts, with my clothes folded neatly on the chair by the dresser.

Waking from my  sleep, my first call of the day, was to my Mom to check on Mara.
"Hey Mom, how's Mara?"
"Morning, Jon, Mara is sleeping right now, the Dr's gave her some tramadol pain relief last night. They must have done the job, as she has not moved all night."
"How's Ruth? is she holding out ok?"
"Ruth is fine, The Dr's have given us a private room so each of us can sleep and take turns being with Mara. So how are the kids, did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, they are great, we had a nice night, what I can remember of it."
"You didn't get drunk did you?"
"No Mom, I crashed out that's all, I'm getting up now and I'm gonna spend an hour or so with the kids before coming back to the hospital, can you tell Mara if she wakes that I will see her later?"
"Sure hon, how are my Granbabies?"
"They are all fine, all growing up, Jesse is nearly as tall as I am, but then that aint difficult is it, I aint exactly stocking in the height department am I?."
my  mom laughed at my comment, "No son, it's your pop's fault, so how are Stephanie and Jacob?"
"Steph is a beautiful ma, and Jake, well he's a live wire, full of energy, and so cute."
"Tell them Grannie Bongiovi say's hi, and that I love them all and I will see them all really soon, and that I miss them, will ya?"
"Yeah, sure ma, no worries, right look, I'm gonna go now and, but I will ring ya later as I leave,  love ya mom."
"Love ya too son.bye."
returning my phone to the night stand, I finally swung my legs outta bed, stretching as I stood, opening the drapes, the sun was shone through the window, walking to the chair and pulling on my pants and t-shirt, and running my fingers through my hair, I left the bedroom and headed down stairs.
Happy voices could be heard as I walked through the hallway to the breakfast nook.
"morning dad, did you sleep well?"
"Morning sweetheart, yeah, thanks I slept really well, you?"
"Yeah, I always sleep well except Jesse thought it was cool to play his music until late, can you tell him"
"Sure, I'll talk to him, so, what happened last night? I remember sitting with you all and then this morning I wake up in bed? so, who carried me to bed?"
"Jesse, and Mom, the film had just started and within minutes you were out cold. So we thought we'd take you to bed and let you rest. Jake helped to, not carrying you, but turning down the bed, opening doors and stuff.  so,.... Dad, can I ask you something? Its personal and you don't have to answer if you don't want. but I'm curious I need to know.... "
"Sure, sweetheart, what is it?"
"Who is Mara?"
"Mara is a very close friend of mine."
"how close?, Mom say's she is your girlfriend, is that true?"
"yes steph she is."
"Oh."
"Whats wrong steph?"
"Nothin"
"C'mon, tell me, there is something, or you wouldn't be asking me questions. C'mon, talk to me steph."
"Well, when you and Mom broke up, it was in the papers about you and this women,... and well, we need to know, will we be reading stuff like that again? reading those stories dad, ... well it killed me, .... and Jesse It broke our hearts, and you really hurt Mom too."
"No, sweetheart, it will be nothing like that, your Mom and me are all sorted,we are friends again, I know what happened was wrong and painful, but that is all in the past, we are moving on, all of us as a family. sweetheart please believe me, when I say, I am really sorry for all the pain I caused last time, I know I can't change the past, but I can change our future. I want to be part of your lives Steph. I want to be the Dad you want me to be. Will you forgive me? let us try again? " I waited holding my breath waiting for an answer.  
"Ok, dad." moving across the kitchen Steph put her arms around me and hugged me with her head resting on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close, kissing her head.
"So Mara, what is she like?, I mean does she know about all of us?"
"Mara is a wonderful person sweetheart, and yes she knows all about you, Jesse and Jake, she is dying to meet you all, would you like to meet Mara?"
there was a silence, before Steph answered.
"I guess so, but I need to know Mom will be ok with it first dad?"
"That's fine there's no rush,
"So what happened to her, Mom said she got burnt in a fire?"
"Yes, she did. her own home."
"were you there dad?"
"Kind of, yes."
"How did it start."
"I don't know sweetheart, the fire department are investigating."
"How bad is Mara then?"
"Quite ill, but she will get better."
"dad,....."
"Yes gorgeous"
"Eww dad, please, enough of the mush, I was thinking, when Mara gets out of hospital, can we meet her then?, you know like have a day together?"
"I'm sure that can be arranged, and I know Mara would love that. we need to clear it with the guy's first though ok?"
"Ok."
Steph uncurled  herself from me and walked out of the kitchen and out to the back yard, I watched her out of the kitchen window, as  she headed straight to the car block to talk to Jesse.
As I stood watching the kids Dot entered the kitchen.
"hey Jon, how do you feel this morning?"
"Tired, but functional, you?"
"Same,.... I tossed and turned all night."
"Why?"
"Just thinking things through I guess, having you back in the house, kinda made me realise how much I miss having you around"
"Dot, that was your decision remember?"
"Yeah, caused by your antics."
"Dot, lets not do this, I thought we had agreed to let things go and stay in the past."
"Yeah, I know Jon, but last night, you being here, I miss you Jon, more than I realised I guess... and ......well it was hard. .... anyway, let's move on eh," wiping a tear away from her cheek she continued..." your right, we have agreed to move on so forget it, I'm just being stupid........ so breakfast?"
"mmm yeah, what ya offering?"
"Scrambled eggs, juice and coffee?, how's that sound"
"perfect, listen, while your fixing breakfast, do ya mind if I go and grab a quick shower? I really need to freshen up, have ya got a spare toothbrush I can use too?"
"Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet, there should be some new brushes there, and Jon, talk to Jesse I'm sure you could borrow one of his t's, too, leave yours here and I'll
rinse it through. with your sweater top"
"Ok, thanks Dot. really, thanks for everything.."
leaving the kitchen I headed up the stairs to the bathroom, grabbing a new toothbrush I freshened my mouth. then slipping outta my clothes, I stepped into the warm shower, scrubbing the stale scent of the hospital off my body, allowing the soap and hot water to flow over me and wash me clean.
Finishing my shower I felt revived and refreshed, grabbing a towel round my waist I left the bathroom and walked down the corridor to Jesse room,  knocking on the door I waited
" yeah"
I opened the door and walked in, he had returned from the yard and was laying on his bed.
"Hey, Son, can you lend your ol man a top?"
"Sure, in the closet over there, help yourself pop."
opening his closet, I pulled out a plain black t-shirt, closing the door to the closet I turned to look at Jesse. I had to know his feeling's about the past and now about Mara.
Knowing that Steph had spoken with him I asked.
"Jesse, is everything ok?,"
"Yeah, why dad?"
"well, I saw you talking to steph earlier, did she mention about Mara?"
"Yeah, she said she's your new girlfriend, right?"
"um, yeah that's right, I want you guy's to meet her, but I don't wanna push ya buddy, but I do wanna know how you feel?"
"Its cool dad, don't stress ok, Steph, she is the over reactor, just like Mom, I'll meet Mara whenever you want, and Dad, I'll square it with mom for you too ok? it'll all be cool"
"Thanks Son, So friends?"
"Yeah dad, Friends."
Leaving Jesse room and walking back along the corridor to the guest room, Dot shouted up that breakfast was ready.
I dried off and dressed real quick and headed down stairs to eat.
Sitting at the counter, Dot sat opposite.
"So, how is it?"
"Great, Thanks."
"so what time ya thinking of leaving?"
" I was kinda thinking in about an hour or so, I was gonna get the kids and drive off into town and do some shopping with them, and stuff, just spend some time with um, before I have to leave to go to the hospital."
"Can I ask ya something Jon?"
"Shoot,"
"Mara, is it really serious between the two of you?, from what you have said you aint known her that long?"
"Yeah, its serious, and it aint been long, but I am sure Dot, if ya worried about me hurting the kids, I won't do that again, and I would not want my kids to meet Mara if she was nothing special."
"oh,"
"What? why the face Dot, what now?"
"Nothing."
"No c'mon, out with it."
"Well, I just thought after I opened up to you this morning, you kinda felt the same way about me, and... well..... ya know... you might want us to, .... ermmmm kinda try again?.... for us ... and the kids?"
"Dot, I...... don't know what to say?, I thought you were over me, all the hurt I caused you?"
"I know, it doesn't make sense, but like I said, having you here last night, while we all ate together, how happy the kids were, and how you made me feel. I'd forgotten that, and after putting you to bed, and undressing you, well.... I wanted to climb into your bed and be with you again, I wanted to be part of you."
I listened to Dot, stunned at her admission, part of me thought she was just testing me to see if I would bite so she could hold it against me. part of me was flattered. The one thing that was clear in my mind was, as much as loved Dot for giving me three gorgeous children, the difference was I was in love with Mara. As much as it hurt, I had to be honest with Dot.
"Dot, I,I,I,... oh boy.... Dottie, listen, you are a great Mom, and we have made three beautiful kids together. I'm really flattered you still want me, but what we had was in the past, I can't risk going back there. I don't ever want to put you in the position of coming home and finding me with someone else. Dot, what I am trying to say, badly is, I love you and always will, but I am not in love with you. I'm sorry!"
watching Dot, her eye's filled with tears that spilled onto her cheeks, the whole time I was talking she watched me intently. Taking her hand in mine, I lifted it to my lips and gently kissed the back of her hand as I rose and left the kitchen.
Walking up the stairs to collect my things I could hear Dot sobbing.... how the fuck did I let that happen...