Welcome to Wherever You Are

Chapter 18

Arriving back at my house, I walked inside the lobby and then the kitchen to fix myself a drink. I thought over the meeting I had with Dot, still a little perplexed in why Dot had brought her  Mom along as she never spoke a word, just sat giving me a stony glare the whole time we were talking. Why? what was the point? while I was thinking the door bell rang.

I answered the door, Mara walked in, she reached up and slid her hands around my neck and gave me a kiss. My arms wrapped around Mara and after our kiss I held her in my embrace; good to feel her body  next to mine.
"So how did it go?"
"Really well, better than I expected. I am seeing the kids on Friday. Dot and I talked about everything and she was great, just like the Dot I used to know before my infidelity. what puzzles me is she brought her Mom along, I guess for support, but she said nothing not one word. she sat in silence just giving me a cold stony stare. It was freaky."
"umm, but if she was there to support her daughter, that's just what she did, so maybe her not saying anything was what Dot wanted. Don't over think it Jon, at least you and Dot have an agreement now, good job." then Mara added for good measure, "I find it hard to swallow  that Dot's Mom did not fall for the Bongiovi charm and smile." Giggling she pulled away and went to get herself a glass of water.
I watched Mara, her supple body moved with grace as she got her drink, Looking outside the window it was a beautiful evening, I asked;
"Join me?"
"Where?" outside in the back yard?"
"Sure".
We both headed out the rear entrance, down the side of the house and out into the vast green area that was my back yard. I moved over to the white wicker love seat. Mara followed.
"Can I ask you a question Jon?"
"Sure"
"What is holding you back from getting Bon Jovi back together?"
Mara's question took me by surprise, but I looked her in the eyes,
"I don't want to be like that anymore. I didn't like who I was back then. now I'm completely done with that version of me."
"you don't like singing?"
"Oh, I loved singing. I loved being in touch with my music. I just need to establish my mind to everything else that went along with it."
"You are telling me, you can't have one without the other?, I find that hard to believe. You are your own master and you can say yes or no anytime you please."
Plain speaking was Mara's talent no doubt.
"I don't know, I just don't want to risk going back there, I'm not some twenty year old cocky kid anymore."
Mara wasn't going to let up.
"Don't you see Jon, you live there every day, you haven't moved away from that life; you live there day after day in your mind. until you get back on stage and do what you really love to do, it's always going to haunt you. I know it's a cliché, but you have to get back on the horse in order to get over the fall."
Fuck, was Mara my trainer or my therapist?.
"I don't know. I guess I am afraid. I don't think that highly of myself, and I just can't see how I can make this work this time. as I said I ain't that same cocky twenty-something kid who thought he could hang the moon; I'm old and I'm scared."
"well who isn't?" Mara squeezed my thigh right above my knee. What did I do to merit this wonderful women? I had no idea, but I loved her with every inch of my being. Mara understood me well, too well.
"What made you get into music in the first place?" I inhaled;
I shrugged. "Bruce Springsteen I guess; his music was fresh and new and all about rock n roll, .... music... makes me feel..... alive I guess. my soul ignites; the buzz when you write something and record it, then hear it played for the first time. I dun no,  I guess music it hurts. it adds salt to our wounds. It can mend and heal, yes but it can cut like a knife. It can send us back in time..... or help propel us forward. It is a catalyst to the hearts emotion's; the harmony in our souls;." I exhaled. "
"For me, it's been the salt. the knife in my heart. bringing back every bad emotion associated with it. that's why I haven't picked up a guitar or played any other instrument... in all these years."
After a long pause, Mara interjected. "You gotta move forward though. Get past this. Why don't you try getting together with Richie and the other guy's in the band? just jam with them again. Give it a shot.... tell them you are not sure of your decision yet, but you'd at least like to play with them again unofficially. then you can all see where the music takes you."
She said the last sentence as if it were as  light as air, just as if it was a simple as following the music. But how could I know if the devastation dwelled within my music. Could I even perform my old songs with the mirthfulness in which they were intended? or would the sunken man I've become be unveiled through my voice? It was not as easy as Mara made it sound. but it was worth a try.
I looked in her delicious eyes. "I'll think about it."
"Good. now as we missed our session today why don't you join me at my spin class tonight? it's a good crowd and I am sure you have nothing better to do."
"Thanks a lot." I did say it in a humorous tone, no sarcasm. "I don't know if I'm ready."
"Sure you are. in a short amount of time you are running three miles. Most of my members taking my class don't even do that. You will be able to keep up no problem. C'mon. It'll be fun.
"What time?"
Mara had a smug smile on her face.
"Seven. You know the gym right?"
"Yes"
"Great"
Shit, what had I just agreed to?. by the way, I am gonna do this for you tonight, can you do something for me?"
"Of course I can." Mara was so agreeable.
"Come shopping with me tomorrow?, I'm in desperate need of clothes that fit me, I hate shopping." I gave her my sad puppy dog eye's. Well I tired I had not given that look since I was about eight and I wanted my mom to buy me a new mongoose.
Mara grinned. "Sure, I'd love to come with you."
"OK. Well then it's off to spin class in a couple of hours." "I guess I better go take a nap."
Laughing Mara said, "You crack me up Jon, take a nap, your not 80 ya know. get your ass moving you'll feel much better when you do."
With another whip of my ass, we went back into the house and headed to the loft for a mini work out before heading to spin class. What the fuck was a spin class anyway?.